


Miss Missing You

by Kandakicksass



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: A world of hurt for those who read and for those who wrote, Angst, F/M, M/M, NOT Ziam endgame, POST-ZAYN LEAVING, Pining, no real happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-08
Updated: 2015-07-08
Packaged: 2018-04-08 06:29:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,579
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4294281
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kandakicksass/pseuds/Kandakicksass
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Zayn left. Cue Liam's downward spiral.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Miss Missing You

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this pretty soon after Zaughty/Louis fight part 2, so I was bitter and angry and frankly still a little hurt about everything, and I'm going through something similar. I really just wanted to write about the boys being hurt and eventually moving on. So, sorry?

Zayn says that he’s leaving the band, and though he’s not surprised, it is to Liam the equivalent of a knife to the chest. The confirmation is the most brutal thing – he’s seen it coming for months, but none of the signs quite prepared him for this.

He has seen it, though Harry will later accuse him (red eyes and lips bitten crimson) of lying to make it seem like he knew better than them. There was something about the twist of Zayn’s mouth when he heard What Makes You Beautiful, in the way he would snort about _fucking boybands_ underneath his breath sometimes, a bit too derisively to be joking. He’d grown up so much in the past five years, and apparently for Zayn, that meaning growing out of _them_.

The rest of them, thank god, grew together into a cohesive unit that went beyond their music. Zayn, on the other hand, just didn’t. Honestly, Liam couldn’t pinpoint the moment when it stopped working for them, when Zayn decided he no longer fit with the rest of them, because on Liam’s end, it never happened. It wasn’t until Zayn pulled away that Liam realized something was wrong.

They let management say what they want to the press – there’s no way that they would okay Zayn’s actual reasoning, though he never would say it out loud to the rest of the boys. They can’t tell the fans that Zayn just doesn’t like it anymore. They can’t tell millions of fans that Zayn stopped enjoying performing, that the concerts and the music were too immature for him.

Liam’s not bitter. Hurt, maybe, but he understands wanting to work on a different style of music. He understands the pull towards R&B, wanting to work on something that he has more control over. Liam just never thought, never wanted to think, that Zayn would leave them, and not with as little conversation or explanation that they got. Liam knows that Zayn loves them – they have called each other _brothers_ these past five years – but it doesn’t feel like it when Zayn turns his back on them in the middle of a tour.

Management makes their statement, and less than a week later it’s revealed that Zayn is in the studio with Naughty Boy, working on a solo album.

It’s just a twist of the knife.

\------

Louis has low-key disliked Naughty Boy for over a year now, but March 30th marks a new level of hatred. Louis is spitting fire, furious and unstoppable. They’ve gathered in Louis’ apartment, and Harry is sitting silently on the couch. His eyes trail Louis, not worried but resigned. Niall is cross-legged on the floor. He has Harry’s guitar in his lap, but his fingers are still.

Liam is just as quiet, but it’s less because he’s already heard the rant (Harry) or because he’s alarmed at the way Louis’ still biting out insults that the man in question will never hear (Niall). He’s silent because he feels sick, the same kind of disgust and pain and disbelief that’s underneath all of Louis’ anger.

“He’s such a fucking jackass,” Louis is saying, pacing the room. “He’s just trying to one up us, to hurt our fans – our _fucking fans_ , what kind of asshole do you have to be to go after the fans?”

Liam watches, and Louis shakes before continuing.

“And he tried to brush that shit off, and would you fucking believe that Zayn texted me and asked me to stop winding him up? Me. Winding _him_ up. What a fucking laugh.” Louis’ finally worked himself up enough that he reaches out and punches the nearest object – a lamp, as it turns out. It falls to the ground and breaks, clattering all over the stiff carpet, and Louis stills just long enough for Harry to rise and pull him down onto the couch, held protectively against his side.

Liam doesn’t say anything, but he moves forward. He goes down from the armchair he was sitting in to his knees and then rests his head on Louis’ knee. There’s a hand on his head – Harry’s, as it’s too large to belong to Louis. Niall doesn’t join them, but he says in a low voice, “We’re on your side, mate. Shit’s not on.”

Louis trembles under their bodies, but doesn’t say anything.

\----------

Zayn comes to get the things he’d left at Liam’s house, like a fucking breakup, but Liam never sees him. There’s just a key on his dining room table one day, with a red tie in the loop, so he knows exactly which of his friends’ keys it was. Louis’ is green, Harry’s is yellow, and Niall’s is blue.

Liam doesn’t tell the others because it feels too personal, a scar that won’t entirely heal.

\----------

When they were on the X-Factor, Zayn had told Liam laughingly that he was glad Louis and Harry had “found each other or whatever” but he couldn’t understand the appeal of dick. Liam had taken it to heart and put any half-formed thoughts out of his head, because even as barely not-straight as he is, he knows how futile it is to pine after a straight boy.

Zayn kissed him once, drunk and giggling, and then told Liam his mouth tasted like vanilla and white chocolate. He was practically incoherent, and in the morning, almost convinced Liam that he was too drunk to remember what happened.

\----------

Naughty Boy strikes again a couple weeks later, and Liam can’t help but feel like the whole thing is his fault. One stupid little joke - he hadn’t meant anything by it. He’s just been trying so hard to make it seem like everything is amiable, that they’re okay. Their fans don’t deserve their shit, not to this extent.

Liam is with Louis and Harry, who are staying in Louis’ apartment for the time being, playing with some lyric ideas. Niall is hanging out with a friend, and later confesses to Liam that he’s glad he hadn’t been there. Seeing people cry is not his favorite thing. It makes him uncomfortable and, apparently, a little bit weepy himself.

They’re all on the floor, sitting around Louis’ large coffee table with notebooks scattered around them. “Look at this little fuck – who lets him tweet?” Louis hisses out of nowhere, and Liam’s about to berate him for being on his phone instead of Harry’s lyric book, which his and Harry’s heads had been bent over for the past several minutes. He’s glad he doesn’t, because Louis shoves his phone at him, and his mouth goes dry.

It’s cutting and personal, and Liam goes back to feeling queasy because this isn’t what he’d meant at all. He’d been _kidding_ , just a stupid joke – nothing that deserved this kind of snide response. Nothing that deserved the pain he feels right now. The picture that accompanies the text is frankly hideous – Liam still feels an awful twist in his gut at the sight of Zayn’s face.

The rest of it happens so fucking quickly, though to the rest of the world it must seem like it took forever. One more tweet from Louis, and then the unthinkable happens.

Louis’ in the middle of working himself into a righteous anger when all three of their phones buzz. Louis’ is several feet away, from where he’d thrown it after the last reply, and they all stare at it. The blood must drain right from Liam’s face, and Harry looks just as upset. He doesn’t want to check his phone, but Louis’ is frozen. There’s very few people that they all have notifications on for.

Liam breaks and unlocks his phone first.

Louis’ eyes are trained on Liam’s face, and he must know the tone of the tweet by Liam’s expression, because he crumples and dives for his phone.

“What did he – what –“ he sounds half strangled. Louis is still bent over his phone on the carpet when he speaks again. “I’m hallucinating, right?”

“Lou,” Harry says softly, and he crawls forward the few feet to put a hand on Louis’ back and rub.

“No,” Louis snaps – not in response to the touch, which Harry clearly knows, as he only presses closer. “What the fuck is this?” He sounds half hysteric. “Like this has to be a fucking joke.”

This is unequivocally the very moment that Zayn breaks Louis’ heart. Harry realizes this as Liam does, curls an arm over Louis’ front, one hand buried in his hair, the other arm wrapped tightly about his waist. He pulls Louis’ face into his neck, away from his phone, and Liam hears it clatter to the ground. Everything feels frozen, until Louis gives one small, wet sound and promptly starts crying into Harry’s hair.

“He’s such a fucking asshole,” Louis manages in between heaving breaths that are more sob than anything. “Didn’t even – give us a fucking – good _reason_. Just cut us fucking out.” His arms wind around Harry’s lanky torso and he curls into a ball, letting Harry maneuver Louis’ tiny body into his arms.

“Shh, love,” Harry whispers against the crown of his head, but he looks just as troubled. Liam thinks that seeing Louis like this is worse than the streaming, worse than the anger.

“And I can’t hurt him back,” Louis cries, voice high and hurt, like a wounded animal. “After that, I can’t even hurt him back. I could never. He’s supposed to be our best friend.”

Louis cries so hard he gets sick from it, pushing away from Harry’s arms and locking himself in the bathroom. Harry looks down at his hands, at his rings, and pulls one of them off. He throws it as hard as he can across the room, and Liam realizes it must be the one Zayn had bought him for his last birthday.

“He’s making it really hard to stay friends,” Harry says lowly, and Liam understands. He doesn’t want to agree, hates the idea of being angry at Zayn, someone he’s loved so fiercely for so long, in so many ways, some of them silent and never spoken of.

He does. He _does_ agree.

It says a lot that Harry’s kept such a lid on his temper, but when the sound of Louis hacking wetly in the bathroom gets louder, Harry’s hands clench into fists, and Liam wonders when what’s left will blow up in his face.

\---------

Zayn and Perrie get married – by rumor, of course. Then, two months later, speculation goes around that they’ve gotten divorced. Liam would be hurt that he wasn’t invited to the wedding, but he has a sneaking suspicion they never actually got married in the first place. Things with Perrie had been shaky before the split, and with the way things ended…

Liam wouldn’t be surprised if this was the final tie of his contract, or at least Perrie’s end of it.

\--------

Liam dreams about Zayn so often that when he’s home Sophia takes to going to bed with her arms wrapped securely around him, so that she’s already there when he wakes up trembling, blaming himself and lost. Things with her start going downhill romantically anyway. He’s never present, never really there, never in the mood. Sophia understands, because she’s possibly one of the most loving people on the planet, and he does love her. He doesn’t know if that’s enough right now. It feels like it’s been ages, but he still can’t make his world realign.

They break up, weeks later, shortly after Liam realizes just how much he’s been hurting her because he can’t get himself together. That he can’t move on, to the point that it’s affecting the rest of his life. Sophia kisses his mouth, strokes his hair, and then tells him that she already knows, in the middle of his shaky explanation that he thinks he’s not good for her anymore.

She comes to stay with him for a week on tour anyway, and he tells her point-blank that he’s more thankful than she’ll ever know that she’s still in his life.

“I still adore you, you idiot,” she hums against his shoulder from where they’re watching a movie pressed together in his bunk. “Honestly.” But she’s nibbling her lip, and he can tell it sucks for her to pretend to be his friend when really, she’s still smarting from their deteriorated relationship.

When Sophia leaves, she hugs him and tells him that she’s not coming out again.

“It could still work,” Harry tells him quietly. He’s the only one who had really understood why they had been together without being _together_. “It can still work out.” They’re watching her walk away, and Liam knows that Harry’s thinking about the last couple years, about all those nights that Harry spent wanting to hold Louis and vice versa, telling himself he wasn’t allowed. Harry’s thinking about the way they’d come apart, and then the way they’d come back together.

Unlike Harry and Louis, Liam thinks, he and Sophia aren’t a foregone conclusion. Harry and Louis could continue to be close because deep down, they knew that they’d end up back together, even through the roughest patch when they barely spoke, barely interacted. He and Sophia aren’t coming back together, and they both know it.

Neither are him and Zayn, and they know that, too.

\----------

Naughty Boy releases another shitty demo of Zayn singing, and one of the lines is “finding out who your real friends are.”

Liam feels nauseous, and plays it on repeat for days, just to hear Zayn’s voice.

Louis refuses to listen to it at all.

\---------

Niall is the one who spots Zayn on the red carpet, at some film premier, after their tour ends. He pulls Liam aside, seeing that Harry was already whispering into Louis’ ear, and tells him that maybe it’s best if they don’t approach him.

Liam agrees, and tries not to look at Zayn all night. One of the reporters makes a snide comment about how Liam looks more like a heartbroken ex-lover than a sad ex-bandmate. Another jokes about how he watches Zayn when he’s not looking, like a child with a crush he couldn’t handle.

“Mate,” Zayn says before they leave. They’ve brushed past each other completely by accident, but Zayn’s small smile is too brittle to be genuine. He’s making nice, being polite for the cameras. Liam turns his head away and storms off.

He doesn’t go on a Louis-esque rant, but it’s close. He presses against Niall’s side and breathes against his shoulder, and wishes that they weren’t all so fucking co-dependent. Maybe that’s the reason he still tries to account for four boys on stage and gets a little jolt of discomfort when he comes up with three.

“You alright?” Niall asks him, and Liam doesn’t know how to respond, because Zayn hadn’t even used his name. Liam misses the sound of it in his mouth. Really, he just misses Zayn, so much more now than when he’d thought they would still be friends, even if they wouldn’t be bandmates.

In the end, he doesn’t reply, just breathes quietly until he can stand and pretend to enjoy himself again. He passes Zayn one more time, and moves quickly by before any attempted conversation can occur.

\--------

Zayn gets a new male friend, an up-and-coming R&B singer produced by Naughty Boy. Liam sees pictures of them on twitter, sees hands on familiar, slender hips, and a quirky smile. The friend seems kind, and he looks at Zayn like Zayn gave him the world.

Liam would have given _Zayn_ the world. For two weeks, he walks around with a seething rage burning under his skin. Zayn, who had probably wanted him back, who had been too scared to take it, who broke his heart a thousand times. Then, the burn turns to a simmer and eventually dies off, leaving him exhausted. It’s sad, how he expects the pain nowadays. He’s just getting used to the knowledge that Zayn is only ever going to hurt him anymore.

When Zayn comes out, Niall tells him the news with a bitter twist of the mouth, clearly a little upset that he’d never been trusted with enough of Zayn to know this part of him. Liam doesn’t care about Zayn’s admission; his being bi doesn’t matter half as much as the way he comes out – with a boyfriend.

It’s strange, how Liam had pushed all these feelings aside until Zayn had left him for good.

\---------

Liam sees Zayn a couple times out and about. He does his best to be amiable, but they never talk for very long. Most of the jealousy is gone now, and he doesn’t feel more than a passing twinge when he sees Zayn with his boyfriend in the papers.

\---------

He pretends that he wasn’t on some level in love with Zayn for years, and he gets a girlfriend eventually. Her name is Karla, and her hair is as dark as her eyes, just off black. Liam doesn’t pretend to himself that there’s not a resemblance, but her smile is wider and her voice is a little bit hoarse. She can’t sing on tune. She’s curvy where Zayn was all angles. She has bushy eyebrows she doesn’t bother to maintain and arm hair she doesn’t bother to shave.

Liam hadn’t thought, going into the relationship, that it could ever be anything serious, but Karla surprises him with her easy smiles and rich laughter. He doesn’t know if he loves her, but he likes her a lot, and it makes him happy to be around her.

Harry and Louis come out and get engaged – officially, this time. Liam thinks it’s only because of Karla that his moment of jealousy is fleeting, lasting only a split second before he could honestly congratulate his boys. Once upon a time, he’d wished quietly to himself that he and Zayn could have a story parallel to Harry and Louis’, that they could fall together as easily, that they would remain together in some way, at least, for the rest of their lives. He’s older and wiser now, and Karla isn’t Zayn but she fills the hole a little, and she cares about him. It’s enough.

\----------

“You’re looking good, Liyum,” Zayn tells him at an event three years after he walked out on One Direction, pronouncing his name in a way that Liam’s told himself he hates for the past few years. His smile is genuine, if hesitant, and there’s a fucking ring on his finger. It looks like he’s finally gotten to a place where he feels comfortable enough to face his past.

For a moment, Liam’s old aches come back with a vengeance, and his hands want to reach out and touch.

“Thanks,” he replies quietly, and Karla comes up at the most inopportune moment to kiss him on the cheek and turn a forced smile on Zayn. She’s lovely and kind, and tries her best to be polite when Zayn compliments her dress. Liam feels a surge of affection for her, but it’s hollow compared to the want he still feels when he looks at Zayn.

To complete the horrid picture, Zayn’s fiancé joins them and slides his hands over Zayn’s sides and lock over his stomach. His face is the picture of devotion, and Liam hates him for just a moment, before Karla squeezes his arm gently and he relaxes as much as possible.

“How are you?” Zayn asks, like he doesn’t realize that the conversation needed to end before he’d even spoken the first time.

“Fine,” he says, and it’s curt only because there are a lot of things he wants to say bad enough to blurt them out, and he’s in the habit of practicing better self control these days. “Just fine.” He grits his teeth when Zayn opens his mouth again, and then adds quickly, as pleasantly as he can, “My band is over there – I should get back to them.”

Zayn’s mouth hangs open for a moment, and Liam hates that he put that look on his face, the flash of hurt in his eyes.

 _My_ band, he’d said. Three years later, it seems like he’s not the only one still smarting – but Zayn doesn’t have a reason. He left, and Liam was left behind. And damnit, Liam has _moved on_.

“Right,” Zayn bites out tersely, and Liam would feel bad about throwing his attempted friendliness and reconciliation back in his face – he would, except that he doesn’t. Not right now. He’ll feel it later, but for now, he’ll let himself be bitter.

When he gets back to One Direction’s table, Louis is playing with his own engagement ring, a soft smile on his face that tells Liam he’s thinking about the wedding plans. Harry has apparently gone for refreshments, but Liam knows that wherever he is, he’s probably being just as sappy. He’s happy for them, really, and when he looks to the side Karla is watching Louis with a fond grin herself.

She turns it on Liam, and he’s still aching for Zayn, but he also thinks to himself, _huh_. “Love you,” he says softly, nudging her shoulder, and she nudges back with a brilliant grin. He puts his want and his ache away, and leaves it to be one of his dying regrets. He locks it up and sits on it, and opens his arms for Karla, who laughs a little before stepping into his embrace.


End file.
